Is it possible for a movie that stars Paris Hilton to be anything other than terrible? No, a fact reinforced by National Lampoon’s Pledge This!. Hilton plays Victoria English, “sorority princess of South Beach University”. She leads the Gamma Gamma girls in their quest to become FHM Magazine’s choice for hottest sorority.

This means Victoria must break in the new recruits, a group that includes Victoria runs into a challenge, however, since the contest rules require “diversification”. That means she needs to pledge some “geeks”, an issue that opens up Gamma Gamma to some unusual characters.

Along the way, we meet many of the female freshmen. The flick focuses on former high school friends Gloria Torres (Paula Garces) and Kristen Haas (Sarah Carter). Their parents connive to make them roommates although their friendship ended years earlier. They and the other women in their dorm are forced to pledge a sorority when an accident puts their building off-limits. This sends them toward Gamma Gamma and confrontations with Victoria.

Maybe someday I’ll understand the appeal of Paris Hilton, but Pledge doesn’t help me grasp her fame or popularity. The movie touts her as the ideal of feminine beauty and desirability, but we see at least two or three dozen other women here who are significantly more attractive. I wouldn’t call Hilton ugly, but she’s not particularly pretty.

Certainly her acting skills won’t endear her to the audience. Hilton’s performing skills vary from flat to non-existent, though she has plenty of company in Pledge. The other actors show a little more personality but don’t manage to display any real form of talent. That Paula Garces is awfully cute, at least.

I suppose it’s possible that Pledge could’ve overcome its status as a Hilton vanity production, but it never threatens to function as a real movie. There’s absolutely nothing competent on display here. In addition to the terrible performances, we find a witless and incoherent script that throws out “comic” scenarios with no logic at all. The lines are sub-moronic; are we really supposed to laugh at comments like “That’s why they call them freshmen – because their coochies are fresh for us men”? I can’t imagine anyone actually finds that funny.

The production reeks of cheapness as well. Much of it looks like it was shot on borrowed locations, as the production design feels home-made much of the time. The South Florida setting brings out some natural glamour, but the film squanders any potential glitter and dazzle with its basic ugliness.

I can’t believe I just wasted 90 minutes of my life watching Pledge This!. At least it threw out the occasional boob shot; that made it mildly watchable on occasion. Otherwise, this is a completely useless and unpalatable production that feels like a very very very low rent Farrelly Brothers flick.

National Lampoon’s Pledge This! appears in an aspect ratio of approximately 1.85:1 on this single-sided, single-layered DVD; the image has been enhanced for 16X9 televisions. This crummy movie came with a crummy transfer.

Sharpness was one of the more acceptable aspects of the image. Though the film never looked terribly crisp or concise, it demonstrated reasonable clarity. Just don’t expect anything special, as the visuals remained a bit soft throughout the experience. No issues with jagged edges or shimmering materialized, but some light edge enhancement occurred. As for source flaws, I noticed occasional specks and marks. These weren’t heavy, but they created more distractions than expected from a new movie.

Colors were a significant problem. A film set in South Florida should boast dynamic tones, but the hues of Pledge came across as flat and pale. A lot of that resulted from the film’s poor contrast. It consistently looked way too washed out and bright. Blacks seemed too light and low-light shots were thin. This was a sub-par transfer in most ways.

Similar thoughts greeted the flawed Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack of Pledge. The soundfield firmly based itself in the front speakers and rarely offered much information elsewhere. Indeed, much of the track focused on the center channel; the sides and rears offered some general ambience and music, but that was about it. This was a consistently lackluster soundfield.

Audio quality didn’t impress either. Speech sounded thick and metallic, as the lines never displayed a natural tone. They were intelligible but not warm at all. Music seemed thin and one-dimensional, while effects were similarly bland. The soundtrack consistently appeared problematic.

Pledge comes mercifully light on extras. We find an eight-minute and 34-second Making of Featurette. It offers the standard mix of movie clips, behind the scenes shots, and interviews. We get notes from director William Heins and actors Paris Hilton, Randy Spelling, Geoffrey Arend, and Greg Cipes. We find some notes about the story, Heins’ skills, and working with Hilton. Snippets of the flick dominate this uninformative program. It kisses butt and offers little to make it useful.

The DVD opens with a pair of ads. We find trailers for National Lampoon’s TV The Movie and National Lampoon’s Spring Break. These also appear in the DVD’s “Bonus” menu.

I expected little from National Lampoon’s Pledge This! and got even less. Relentlessly stupid, incoherent and unfunny, there’s nothing positive on display here. The DVD offers flawed picture and audio as well as forgettable extras. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to bother with this horrible movie.